I know it’s kind of morbid, but the title of this blog is a play on words.
While I was merrily planning out where to take the boys for trick-or-treating this year, I realized that Halloween falls on a weekend that they won’t be spending with me.
Instantly, I was bummed out.
Trick or treating with the boys (or with my youngest now, since the 13 year old would rather pass out the candy than go knocking on strangers’ doors to ask for it) has always been one of my favorite memories. Maybe it’s because I loved doing it so much as a kid; the costumes, the crisp air, and the freedom of roaming the neighborhood streets at night was all intoxicating to me. It still is.
Samhain of 2015 will be the first time in their lives that I haven’t been out with them, enjoying one of our favorite (maybe THE favorite) holidays. As much as I’m going to miss it, however, I’ve maintained since the divorce that I won’t interfere with my boys seeing their dad.
It got me thinking, though. Anger is still a constant companion when it comes to my ex, and giving them over to him every other weekend is a mixed bag. I was talking with a friend just last night about it, and I told her it was “surreal and wonderful” to suddenly have the odd weekend completely to myself without parental responsibilities.
At the same time, I think of them often while they aren’t with me and I worry whether they are happy and what kind of environment they are sleeping in for those nights. I feel as if I’m sacrificing them to someone I don’t even like, let alone trust, and that seems wrong. But it’s the law, and ultimately I realize that the relationship they have with him is entirely different from the one I had. They have a right to that relationship, free of bias, and they have a right to develop their own opinions of it as they mature.
So this year I’ll be feeling the introspection and somber themes of the season with a special intensity. I’ll have no lighthearted children in costumes to escort through the night, no candy to inspect for safety or scary movies until bedtime. It could be fun, I suppose, to go out and find some grown up fun on the spookiest night of the year.
Do they sell “Sexy Blogger” costumes anywhere?